


Stand By You (The Ballad of a King)

by theRougeChevalier



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur's Beginnings, Epic, F/M, Friendship, Guilt, Magic, Prologue, Rage, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:57:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theRougeChevalier/pseuds/theRougeChevalier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I stood by you through it all and yet you still let me fall.... The story of one woman's impossible love and unending loyalty for her King. </p><p>The story of Arthur's true beginnings. The truth will shock you and should Arthur ever learn of it, it would change everything.  AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Called by Rose

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prologue story for a fic idea I have been toying with writing for what feels like forever. Its several mini chapters and if you want the story that fits in with the series timeline please comment so I have some initiative to write it. This one itself is not finished and I can't guarantee when it will be done because I move tragically slow even with school all finished. But I hope it intrigues you! Enjoy!

Stand By You, Fall From Grace (The Ballad of A King) 

I fell the first time you called me Rose

I fell for your sweet kisses and whispered promises

I stood by and watched you marry my best friend

I stood by Ygraine when her husband became a King

I fell for a love I could not forget

I fell when we both broke our bonds

I stood by you when you asked me the impossible

I stood by you as the world burned

I stood by you when my family died

I fell from grace…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell for you the first time you called me Rose . 

We were young, but babes to this world. 

I hid in my mother’s garden to avoid torment from you and my brother. 

The garden was my sanctuary, but this day you followed me. 

As I daydreamed amongst my mother’s prized plants lost in my own world, your eyes followed me from the bush and when I saw them staring back at me I gasped in shock. You appeared from the hedge trying to soothe my fear, but my anger rose to greet you instead. 

“Go away Uther!” I shouted at you. I turned away and knelt by my mother’s most prized plants, pointedly ignoring you to sniff the potent fragrance hanging in the air. You knelt beside me with that smile, that same carefree quirk of your lips and slight squint in your eyes. 

“So this is where you always run to.” You observed. I continued to ignore you, wrinkles forming in my brow in irritation at your persistence, but then you softly raised your hand to push back a loose strand of my hair and I would have slapped you, but as you did you spoke saying, “It suits you,” I turned to look at you in confusion. “To be here in your mother’s garden amongst the pride of all the land, her roses. You are as beautiful as they are so I will call you, Rose.”  
And I fell…


	2. Whispered Promises

I fell for your sweet kisses and your whispered promises

I was but 16 and you 19, headed off to war, ready for honor and glory, hot for battle, but burning for me. 

We had snuck away after dinner, running hand and hand through the night. The lights of the neighboring estates dancing on the horizon like so many stars, as we scaped to the edge of the forest coming to a skidding stop beneath our oak. Laughing breathlessly as you leaned me back against the tree to kiss me as you had done a hundred times in the last year. 

We had held each other so many times, but this night our passions flamed as they never had before and I tried to fight them as I had been taught by my mother, but you whispered promises to me, of love, of life, of forever. Drunk on your kisses and your words I forgot everything, my mother’s words, my father’s caution, my brothers’ friendship the world became nothing but you and I. You were leaving in the morning for war and since I could not stop you I would give in to it all and be wholly yours as if to send a piece of myself with you into battle for protection. 

So it was I gave you all I had never given another man and swore I never would on the soft ground beneath our oak on a warm summer night, for what we had was true and everlasting. 

I fell…


	3. I Stood

I stood by and watched you marry my best friend

You returned from the war a hero, a noble on the rise, a great warrior. And in your absence your parents had arranged a match for you unbeknownst to you and less so to me, to Ygraine, my best friend.... 

Try though you might to get out of it we both knew it was not possible. She is the ideal match to unite neighboring lands under a united band of alliance. My brothers are already your allies, I serve no strategic purpose as you wife. We say goodbye, you trying to draw love from me to hold you throughout your life and I trying to forget what we ever had to save myself the pain. 

And though my heart breaks and weeps, I stand as a witness at your wedding and with Ygraine when you return to battle shortly after. 

I stood…


	4. For a Queen

I stood by Ygraine when her husband became a King

I stood in Ygraine’s room helping her pack as she rambled frantically. 

“Can you believe it?! Uther King?! Our lands finally free and, and, me…ME?! A queen?!” Even as the words tumbled haphazardly from her mouth she still stood still and elegant, the perfect image of nobility. The only one who did not believe her to be the picture of grace and noble bearing worthy of the crown was her. “I mean, we were married but two years and I have hardly seen him in that time. And now…everything is changing so fast…” She finished taking a seat on the bed looking around with a wild look in her eye. 

I smiled softly and sat beside her taking her hands. “Everything will be fine. Uther is a good man, and you will be a great queen of that I have no doubt.” I reassured her, as much as it hurt to talk about Uther with her, she was my best friend and I wanted only the best for her. Just because my life was over before it begun did not mean she should not be happy. 

“Come with me.” Ygraine said in a quick breath gripping my hands tightly and pulling me closer. We sat nose to nose and I could see the fear acute in her irises. But then the implications of what she asked hit me and I tried to pull away. “Ygraine…I…I can’t..”

“Please.” She begged fervently. I still stared at her my eyes hard but my carefully constructed calm crumbling. Ygraine did not know of Uther and I’s past, few did, mostly my family, and they had kept quiet out of respect for me and not wanting to draw attention to our secret romance out of fear for propriety and reputation. 

Yet here she sat begging me to accompany her to the citadel for her coronation. “Please, you are my dearest friend. I can’t do this without you. Not to mention I will not know anyone there. Please don’t let me die of loneliness in some drafty old castle!” Now I could hear a bit of our old playful silliness drifting back into her voice but her eyes still looked haunted.

It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t anything she had done that made me want to stay behind, it was for my own selfish reasons. If I went with her I would be forced to look upon him every day and the pain would surely destroy me. There were a hundred other reasons why I should have held firm and said no, but most of them had to do with him. 

But looking at my dear friend’s pleading eyes and tired smile I knew I couldn’t let her down, my own guilt ate at me and finally with a gasp and a sigh I choked out, “Alright. Alright. I’ll go.” 

Ygraine’s face immediately alighted and she held me close in an embrace. “Thank you my dear friend!” She said with a laugh. She pulled back with a smile. “I know now that everything will be just fine with you there by my side.” I smiled back. 

So it was I came to the newly dubbed citadel of Camelot to stand beside my best friend, and now my lady, as her maid servant, as she became Queen of Camelot.

I stood…


	5. I could not forget

I fell for a love I could not forget

The first few months in Camelot were fine. I didn’t see Uther much, what with the new duties of being and a kingdom still in the process of being built and secured. The citadel was undergoing renovations and the town around it was growing and blossoming daily. Helping Ygraine with her new duties as a queen was a joy.

After six months Uther, the King finally started to find leisure time to spend with his wife. 

At first I tried to pretend I was nothing more than a faceless servant, never looking directly at him making myself small in his presence but he always smiled at me and engaged me in conversation, as a peer. The teasing from our youth returned and I couldn’t help myself and gave in to the nostalgia, giving as good as I got. And many dinners found the three of us passing time pleasantly all talking like old friends.

Ygraine was grateful for it, still getting used to her new husband and having a friend who could help create a more casual environment was a blessing. When it was revealed that we were in fact friends from childhood Ygraine was even more thrilled and often I would be included in their outings, not just a servant, but as a friend. It soothed my heart that we could all enjoy such peace without complications. My feelings had been successfully tamped down, overlapped by respect and duty. Although I still loved Uther deeply seeing him and Ygraine happy and watching him become the King I was proud to call my own was enough. 

A year after coming to Camelot found Uther and I alone by some circumstance in his drawing room. I was running an errand of some kind, when suddenly the peace that had been built was shattered by a hand on my wrist and a voice close to my ear, I looked up into Uther’s eyes to see a haunted look. He whispered to me of how he could not forget what we had and that he missed me. 

“How can you miss me Uther I am always here.” I answered flippantly trying to turn it into a joke guarding my own feelings even as my heart beat faster at the admission. 

“Please Rose….don’t…” He pleaded sounding pained. My eyes flitted across his face then and he looked so young in that moment, nothing like the seasoned warrior and courageous leader he had become, but the beguilingly handsome, brash, and witty boy I fell in love with. I shook my head at him and forced myself to maintain calm, it was a feat I am sure not a thousand knights could have achieved if face with such a moment. I removed his hand from my wrist and held it meeting his eyes again. “What we had, is over now and cannot return.” With a kiss to his cheek I left the room, barely making it to my own chambers before breaking down into heart wrenching sobs of mourning. 

At first I stayed strong against his pleading looks, and tried to make sure we were never alone. But then he always seemed to find a way… a brush against my arm, moving my hair from my face. He was breaking down my barriers little by little. I was resolved that I would not betray my best friend, I would not become a mistress to a king, I would not allow my heart to fall into such a trap. 

But one rainy day in an alcove on the west side of the castles he cornered me, pulling me close and kissing me. A kiss full of longing and passion, love and regret, hope and desperation. 

“Please Rose, Please.” He begged against my moth kissing all over my face even as I tried to pull away. “Please just hear me out.” 

I finally managed to struggle to an arms’ length and hiss out. “Then speak and be finished with it.” 

“I love you.” He rushed out in a voice that sounded steady and sure although his appearance conveyed the harried situation we were in. 

Tear began to leak from my eyes before I could stop them I shook my head and refused to look at him. “Uther. You are married.” 

“I know.” He rushed out. 

“To my best friend.” 

“I know…I know…” He gestured with his hands wildly, that haunted look back in his eyes. “And I’ve tried, I really have. I care for Ygraine, but I cannot forget what we had, I miss it.” 

We were silent for a beat before I could respond he continued. “Remember how we used to sit in your mother’s garden and just talk, or how I would hold you as we practiced the sword so you could impress your brothers in training? Or…”

I couldn’t hear more, “Stop!” I shouted shaking my head violently. “Why must you torment me so!? We have our friendship and that will have to be enough.”

His face hardened for an instant and he took a step closer. “No.” He answered. “I am King of Camelot, I have driven the Romans from our lands, and brought peace to our country! I deserve a little happiness of my own!” He growled out through clenched teeth. 

I stared at him tears still staining my cheeks and shook my head, “We don’t always get what we want Uther.” 

I tried to walk away, but Uther was faster and I found myself once again crushed to his chest as he kissed with all his being. I tried to struggle but he backed me up against the wall caging me in and continued to kiss me, the kiss turning from hard and deep to soft and searching. I yet again lost my restraint and kissed him back with the same softness, not allowing myself to have more. When I finally needed to breathe I pulled back and lay my head against the wall staring at him through hooded eyes as he stared at my lips and then my eyes…his eyes, the same as I always remembered them, “Tell me you still love me.” He pleads. 

“You know that I do.” Is my whispered and breathless answer, and I could feel my will to resist slipping further out of reach. 

He bent for another kiss but only a soft peck, for I was still catching my breath, then leaned in to my ear. “Rose please, if only just this once, for me, for our love, for old time’s sake.” 

I grasped him by the pair and pulled him back giving him a hard look, “You insult me Uther.” He looks at me wild eyed for a moment before my gaze softens and I whisper, “We both know once will never be enough.” Before I pull him into a kiss which leads to a passionate embrace and so it was I spent my first night in the arms of my King. Though it would not be the last. 

I fell….


	6. Broken

I fell when we both broke our bonds 

There are two days in the year that followed which shall haunt me for all eternity. 

I broke the bonds of friendship the day Ygraine told me she knew. She knew I was having an affair with her husband. It would have been easier if she were angry, but she was not. She was sad, understanding, but still betrayed. 

She had been sick much in the earlier months of that year and her skin held a sickly pallor as she spoke carefully. “I should have known when you said you had been childhood friends. How easy you were with one another, the way you look at each other, you were more than friends... you love him, and he you.” 

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I wanted desperately to beg forgiveness but how could she, how could I even begin to ask when I still slept with her husband. 

“Ygraine…I am…I am sorry. I tried to keep myself from him, but I failed….and I…I… I will leave Camelot at once….” I stuttered out thinking it the only way to truly stop hurting my dearest friend. 

Ygraine took my hands and held them. “No.” I stared at her tears still running freely down my face. “You do love him don’t you?” She asked, her eyes unaccusing simply boring insistently into my soul. 

I nodded and brokenly answered, “Yes…Yes…I do” 

“Then you should stay, you deserve to be happy as does he. I cannot give him what he needs and you can, besides I would be at a loss without you here.” She said softly with more understanding than any woman in her situation had the right to have. 

I shook my head, “No…no. How can you say that? After all I’ve done. You should hate me.” 

“As you should hate me.” I stared confused for a moment before she continued to speak “I married the only man you ever loved. Then asked you to come here to Camelot with me and you came knowing full well it would break your heart. If anyone is to blame for this it is me.” She said with grave certainty. 

“No, no, it is me. I am at fault I knew it was wrong and yet I couldn’t stop myself. I betrayed you.” 

“It is forgiven.” She said a small sad smile coming to her lips pulling me closer. “For even if I have been betrayed, Uther has been a kind husband to me which is more than most women can hope for. And if he is to find comfort with another, I would it were you.” She said softly. 

Somehow each of her kind words cut deeper than any angry word could have. But it seemed she would have no argument so I simply bowed my head and whispered “Yes, my lady. “ Even though she was nothing but kind, I knew I had broken her trust and our friendship would never be the same. I expected her to ask me to end it and I was terrified because I wasn’t sure if I could, the love I felt for Uther seemed to consume all else when we were together. I had forsaken the bonds of friendship for him. But she didn’t ask as I began to leave the room she said, “No need to let on that I know. It would only upset him. “ She said staring out the window her face a mask of emotionless detachment.

My heartached for her....

The second day was not even two months later. I had been feeling ill and had just gone to see Gaius only to discover I was with child. I was overjoyed and terrified all at once. All I had ever wanted was a family with Uther, but I was his mistress, and my betrayal to Ygraine still sat heavy on my heart, my pregnancy would only be driving the knife further into her back. And I could not know how Uther would react. 

I immediately set off to tell him. At that time of day he could always be found in the council chambers working on royal decrees and other such paperwork. I entered through the servants’ entrance, as always, what I saw when I turned from closing the door behind me will be burned in my mind’s eyes and my heart’s core till death takes me. 

The love of my life, sovereign of my heart and soul, and father to my child, wrapped in the arms of a woman, that was not Ygraine....

There was no mistaking the passionate embrace and the mahogany red of her hair familiar and now unforgettable. I gasped when I saw it, involuntarily, but the shock was so great, and the volume of it penetrated the room louder than any battle cry. Uther pulled back immediately and turned with wide eyes to face me. His partner too seemed to start at my appearance. I stared with wide eyes, willing the scene to disappear, for it to be nothing more than a bad dream. I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed hoping to wake myself . The world wavered, but it was only the tears forming in my eyes, the shock dizzying my mind. 

‘Betrayed.’ 

By the only man I’d ever loved. 

Uther began to speak, “Rose...I” 

I shook my head as a sob broke from my throat and at the sound I ran from the room. Tearing down the halls in a daze, tears streaming freely down my face as I tried to contain my sobs. 

‘How could he? I should have known. It’s what I deserve.’ 

A million thoughts raged through my mind, but the one that stuck was how could I expect loyalty from a man who had forsaken his wife for me. What a fool I’d been. 

It felt like I had been running forever but it must not have been long as Uther caught up to me wrapping an arm around me from behind and pulling me, struggling all the way into an alcove. 

“Let go of me!” I choked. 

“No, Rose please, you must listen...” He implored turning me to face him. 

“NO!” I shouted wrestling out of his arms. 

“It is listening to YOU, which has gotten me in this mess!” I waved my arms hysterically my tears still reigning unchecked. 

“I LOVED YOU! I gave up everything for you! I gave you my heart, my body, I left my home, I betrayed my best friend! All for you! And now I am little more than yesterday’s trash saddled with the child of the man who took everything I had and CRUSHED it!” 

As I ranted he looked prepared to give his excuses, pleas already prepared but my ranting shocked him stiff, his eyes widening. “What?...” He asked. 

I took a few deep breaths to calm my anger and slow my tears. “I’m pregnant Uther. “ I said as calm as I could. 

“You...you are?” He asked slowly his eyes blinking at me owlishly his gazing flitting to my stomach. His expression a grimace of terror and joy. I nodded. He stepped forward to put his hand on my stomach and I gasped but I allowed it. As hurt as I was I could not deny the man his child. This moment should have been happy for both of us, but it was soured for me. He simply held his hand there staring at my belly for a few moments before his gaze moved to my face. The joy I had previously seen melting into desperation. “Please, please, Rose, you have to understand, I didn’t mean it, it just happened, I don’t know what came over...” 

I interrupted him my looks hard, my heart hollow, my eyes betraying nothing. “How could you?” Was all I said. 

He stopped his rambling and simply stared at me his heart in his eyes, he had never looked sadder, and some part of me, some dark angry, hurt, part responded to the look with a snort of ‘good’. But I could not bring myself revel in such petty thoughts for I would always love Uther, no matter what he did, but my life was irrevocably changed now. There would be no going back. 

“This child is ours, Uther and I will not keep you from it. But, we, as we were, are no more. Whatever we had is done. I will never regret this baby and I will love them with all the passion and care I have always had for you, but I will share your bed no more.” My words were even portraying a strength I didn’t feel, but a conviction that was all too real. 

Uther for his part looked stricken. He reached for my hands. “Rose, please. You mean everything to me...please don’t cast me aside for one stupid mistake. Don’t forsake our love. I still love you.”

I slowly pulled my hands away and took a step back placing my hands on my stomach shaking my head. “This, this is all that remains of our love Uther and I will treasure it, always, but I cannot forgive this.” With that I turned and hurried away my own hard won composure cracking....

And my heart broke....

I sat on the floor of my chambers, holding myself as I sobbed, one palm on my stomach. 

And I fell...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one coming soon, I need to do some editing. The chapters are getting progressively longer.


	7. The Impossible

I stood by you when you asked me the impossible. 

I knew I would not be able to hide my pregnancy from Ygraine so I told her right away. She had been supportive, but sorrow and envy echoed in her eyes. She wanted all that she thought I had. I told her of the baby, but I did not tell her of Uther’s other dalliance, I wished to spare her that as her illness seemed to have grown as of late. 

Despite the echoes in her eyes the prospect of a baby, even mine, seemed to buoy her mood and lend a new glow to her cheeks that had been so pale as of late. I could almost pretend things were normal between us just two friends sharing joy in the prospect of new life, if not for Uther. 

It was not long before I understood the depth of the echoes in her eyes and the reasons she took to readily to my having her husband’s child. “I am glad you can give him what I cannot.” She spoke longingly one day while we sat knitting away blankets for the babe’s eventual arrival. It was then I understood, she was barren... The knowledge was like a new wound in my already raw heart all from knives I had lodged there myself , I was quick to assure Ygraine that she would always have a place in my child’s life. After that she was all smiles as she spoke of being a doting aunt spoiling my child.

I was naive however to not realize the double meaning of her words and how it would affect me and my child. 

Only three months had passed since I severed my relationship with Uther and we had barely spoken outside of official contact as King and servant. It had been decided by all involved that my pregnancy would remain secret for as long as possible and that no one could know Uther was the father. At the same time Ygraine was undergoing treatments from the high priestesses of the old religion for her illness. I had tried using my own magic to heal her, but her illness was too strong for my meager skill, but their potions and prayers seemed to be working as she seemed to grow stronger everyday. Both Uther and I worried for her, regardless of Uther’s unfaithfulness she was still his queen and had become a dear friend and confidant to him as she was for me. We were both glad for her being on the mend. 

I had been stitching with Igraine on a rainy afternoon. Court business has been slow that day due to the weather and it was not long before Uther joined us. I tried to keep myself friendly in his presence, if for no other reason than Igraine’s benefit, but I felt a fool pretending friendship with a man who betrayed me for the sake of what his wife believed to be true love. When he entered she had been holding a piece of cloth up to my belly, not yet fully rounded with child, making a humorous comment about what color the baby would prefer, “Perhaps Pendragon red?” We had laughed merrily at the quip and when we looked up to see Uther we had both blanched for a moment. Uther still believed our secrets kept, he knew I had told Ygraine of my baby, for I told him I would not hurt her anymore, but he had begged me to keep the child’s father a secret. What a burden it was to keep secrets from two people who already knew the truth. But the look in his eyes was not guilty only thoughtful, but in a way that unsettled me all the same. 

It was later that night when Uther was still hidden away in his study that Igraine sent me to coax him away from his desk, even she had not been missing the way we had grown apart and now sought like the overly understanding wife and friend she was to give us time she thought we had been missing do to her illness. I dutifully went to his study, instead of bent over his desk I found him staring thoughtfully out the window into the night, there was a time when I would have gone to him and wrapped my arms around him from behind and soothed his worried brow, but those times were gone...

“My lady bids you rest my lord. The hour grows late.” I said politely. Uther turned to me, his eyes boring into me not surprised by my presence, it was as though he had been expecting me. I braced myself for what I thought was to come. This would not be the first time he had tried to win me back with apologies and promises, I often though he purposefully stayed in his study just so he could be alone with me. He walked slowly across the room and took my hands in a predictable once beloved gesture. He looked down at me and then to my stomach. He smiled a little and whispered. “How does my child this evening?” 

“Well sire.” I answered allowing myself a little smile, indulging in a moment that was not what it seemed. 

“Good.” He answered still smiling, still holding my hands, but after a moment his smile faded and he let go of my hands. “Rose...” He started. “I have something I wish to ask you...” 

“Yes my lord.” I answered automatically. He looked frustrated, whether at my tone or at the situation I’ve never known. 

“Igraine is barren.” He said simply. 

“I was aware, your highness.” 

It was then his expression turned deadly serious as he pinned me with a gaze so hard I could have been an enemy on the charge in battle and his next words in a tone that brokered no argument in court. “Then you are aware, that our baby is the only heir Camelot’s throne has?” 

I had always known that I would share my son with Uther, but had selfishly hoped that that he would be spared a title. Yet again my own wishful thinking and had blinded me to the truth. I had known, known the moment Ygraine told me she was barren it would come to this, but I had foolish chosen to ignore what my heart told me to be true and now I stood faced with the very decision that I had hoped to avoid. 

Run. Go home, my family would understand they would love my child regardless if it was a bastard, my mother’s family could hide us away across the border. 

Or

If it were a daughter, her fate would be an arranged marriage, perhaps loving perhaps not, she could very well end up like Ygraine. A son, could be a Prince, and one day a King. To anyone else the choice would have seemed easy, a royal child would have a much more comfortable life and never want for anything, but the responsibility would be crushing as they grew older. I wanted my child to have freedom, freedom a royal life could not give. In the end there was really no decision to make. I knew if I tried to run Uther would search us out to the ends of the earth so I gasped out a trembling sigh and nodded my assent to the question. 

Uther nodded shakily in return looking relieved that I would not fight him on the point, it was what came next that truly shocked me. 

“Would you agree then, that it would be best, if Ygraine were to raise the child as her own?” 

My heart felt as though it had stopped beating for a moment. “W...what?” I asked confusion and fear drenching my every sense. 

Uther continued to explain the tenseness returning to his face and his posture. “The council does not know, neither do the people, if we let them think your child is Ygraine’s they will more easily accept it as heir to my throne. Otherwise I fear what will become of Ygraine’s status.” 

A wave of cold swept over me at his words and my confusion quickly turned to anger and fury of the acutest kind. “You mean what will happen to the Pendragon legacy?!” I snarled accusingly. 

It was Uther’s turn to look confused. 

“You care nothing for Ygraine, nor for me, you only care about the legacy of your name, your kingdom, that you worked so hard to build. We had an affair! Hurting Ygraine more than anyone possibly could and now you seek to take away from me my child! What, do you think giving the child to Ygraine will mend your guilt?! Uther it is my child and you will not keep me from it!” I shouted letting my rage fly forth freely from my tongue. 

Uther raised his hands, grasping my shoulders, “I don’t mean to keep you from it, and this isn’t just about me. Ygraine, wants a child more than anything, we both see how much she already loves yours, it might even help her finally overcome her sickness.” 

I shook my head. “She will never agree to this. And if you wanted to keep our affair a secret offering my child to Ygraine as her own will more than give it away.” I said pointing out the flaw in his logic even if Ygraine already knew the truth. 

Uther looked frazzled and it was clear to me that he was grasping at straws trying to get me to agree. I had noticed since we had first arrived in Camelot that Uther was much changed by war and power and he was constantly grasping trying to hold on to it. All men of our age knew how hard it was to hold a country together, united amongst its lords and it had obviously taken its toll on Uther, changing him, making him a desperate man. 

“Once the child is born I will tell her the truth and she will surely agree this is for the best. If we just let the people believe the child is hers, you can be with it every day as it’s nurse. Would you rather retain your respected position within the royal house as a nurse or be branded as a harlot with a bastard child?” 

I forcibly bit my cheek to keep myself from completely losing my temper once more, in the state Uther was currently in it would do me little good, but I was still to be heard. “You do not know what you ask of me Uther. To have this child, to see it everyday, to know it is my own and love it as my own and never have that love returned to never be able to acknowledge our bond. It is too cruel and I do not know if it is something I can do...” ‘even for you’ went unsaid.

I turned to leave, but he still held me fast, his eyes were pleading but his body was suddenly still as he stared me down. His voice was hardened, “I am asking you out of courtesy Rose, you forget I am King and I do not have to ask.” 

This time the cold that swept over me was from sorrow and shock and maybe the slightest bit of fear, but the anger remained. “How could I forget, your highness? It is this wretched duty that has stolen you from me.” I pulled away and walked swiftly to the door. I stopped in the arch and spoke quietly not bothering to look back, although I knew he could hear me. “I will do it Uther...only because you give me no choice.”  
I stood...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay made it through another chapter! It seems finally posting this story gave me the motivation to get moving on it! Enjoy! Next time, the plot thickens...


	8. Life and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another chapter! Its amazing what one can do with mandatory unpaid vacation. Not. But needless to say I had the time. Only two chapters left after this!

I stood by you as the world burned

Nine months passed quickly on and it seemed that the strength Ygraine had regained was only momentary, as in my 7th month she seemed to plateau in her recovery and although she still looked healthy and was her passionate lovely self she still tired easily and spent a great deal of time resting. By then I had grown so round with child it was impossible to hide it and I spent much of my time confined to my room in Gaius’s chambers or with Ygraine in her room as I could only move back and forth at night when no one would notice me or my condition. 

In the 8th month she started to worsen again, Gaius had tried everything he knew, but to no avail and the high priestesses were returned once again to the castle. Uther commanded I was to stay away from Ygraine then as not to endanger myself and the child should her sickness spread. But both Gaius and I knew it was not the kind of disease that spread so I still managed to sit with her every now and then. 

By my 9th I was strictly confined by both Uther and Gaius, not to leave Gaius’s chambers. Thankfully Uther had made certain that my room in Gaius’s chambers had a full bed and he came to see me every day. It gave me comfort to know that at least Uther would be an attentive father. Life as the King had been stressful for him recently and he would always come to my room looking weary and strung out. The responsibilities of the kingdom, Ygraine’s illness, and even the impending birth of our child, seemed to weigh heavily on him. I also suspected the high priestesses were asking a high price for their continued treatment of Ygraine. But all that stress seemed to melt away when he would put his hands on my belly and feel our baby kick. He would almost look like his old self again, the man I knew before war and power took him from me. 

It was the eve of the feast of Beltane, the nights were just becoming warmer and I kept the window in my room open to keep the air flowing as I felt stifled not only from the newly warm days, but from the physical demands on my body from my pregnancy. I was restless and had been for the month I had been confined to bed rest. But as I sat at my window watching the sun fade beyond the horizon lighting candles and muttering my prayers to the gods for the coming sabbat and for the good health of my child it came upon me suddenly, a tenseness in my lower back and abdomen. The discomfort slowly faded to be replaced by the sensation of shifting in my belly. I knew exactly what was happening, my baby was moving into position, he or she would soon be ready to come into the world. I was anxious and excited all at once. I shuffled to the doorway and opened it to see Gaius in the midst of creating one of his concoctions. 

“Gaius.” I spoke softly. He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with soft eyes, before he could ask what was wrong I smiled a little nervously and put a hand to my stomach. 

“I think it’s almost time.” 

After that everything seemed to move in a blur. Gaius quickly examined me and determined that yes the baby had moved into position, but that nothing would begin until my water broke. I waited anxiously for more pains as Gaius busied himself making certain everything was at the ready, it wasn’t long before the first contractions came on followed not long after by my water breaking. 

Gaius wasted no time in sending a message to Uther and his dear friend Alice who was both a midwife and a healer like himself. Uther arrived first and all nerves and bluster. “Are you alright?” He asked the moment he was at my bedside. I smiled a little, the true pain had not yet started and patted his hand kindly. “I’m fine Uther.” Alice arrived and although it must have been hours it felt like in no time at all I began pushing in the wee hours of the morning. Alice had tried to shoo Uther out of the room, but he would not be moved from my side. “I will not leave her she is my…” He caught himself before he could finish his bellowing exclamation, as it would have been a lie, spoken as a heartfelt wish. One we had once shared. He stuttered back to himself “I did this to her… and I will not leave her to suffer it alone.” He held my hand throughout as I screamed out my pain, my rage, my sorrow, my fear, and my hope with every push. 

And so it was just as the dawn broke with one final push I brought into the world my son. He came into the world red faced and squalling. Healthy, stubborn, and headstrong already, like both his parents. He was deposited right into my arms and as exhausted as I had been a moment before it all melted away in an instant. I held him tight and cooed to him softly. “Sh, sh, sh, its alright my son, it’s alright, mommy is here.” I felt tears wet my cheeks as I said those words aloud for they were all I wanted in the world and yet knew that this moment was the only true moment I could have with him as mother and son. As his sobs calmed a little I became aware of Uther leaning over me looking down at the little bundle in my arms. I glanced up at him with watery eyes and smiled. I couldn’t have been stern if I wanted to. No words were spoken for a few moments as we both stared in awe and joy at the miracle we had created. Uther slowly sat down beside me and whispered. “He’s perfect.” I gasped out a sob at that, but still smiled. “Would you like to hold your son?” I asked him softly. He looked frightened for a moment but held out his arms carefully. I settled our son into his arm, setting his arms correctly. Uther tensed a little and I cooed softly as though to calm our son’s continued cries, but for his benefit as well. He relaxed and stared down at the baby with awe and love shining in his eyes, every line of worry gone from his face. 

“His face favors you.” I observed. Uther’s smile widened at that and his eyes darted up to me. “More’s the pity, I have a feeling his coloring will be like yours.” He said rubbing a few fingers across the wisps of blonde hair on our son’s head. “That is a small mercy at least.” I shook my head at this. “So what shall we call him?” I asked caressing my baby’s cheek. His cries had subsided to little whines by now, but it would not be long before he started up again in search of food no doubt. 

“Arthur.” Uther breathed reverently. We hadn’t really discussed names as it seemed to intimate a practice, I couldn’t put myself through the heartache. 

“Arthur.” I repeated looking down upon my son. The name rang with a tone of greatness and although I was loathe to let my son be brought up under the constraints of a royal title I could tell he was meant for great things. If my mother and father had been present they could have read his destiny in the waves of magic surrounding his birth, but as it was his future would have to remain a mystery. 

The next day after we both had rested Uther brought us to Ygraine’s chambers. 

It wasn’t until I saw her lying so small and pale in the bed that I realized how close to death she was. How strange it seemed that but a few months before she had glowed with health. I had shown her Arthur and although she was too weak to hold him she smiled at him openly and whispered praise of him to me, but fell asleep soon after, seemingly exhausted from just our short visit. 

Uther announced to the kingdom Arthur’s birth and he became their son. And I his nursemaid, but I was just glad for every minute I got to spend with him in my arms. The world may never know the truth, but I would know and my love for him was endless and everlasting. 

Arthur was a little over a week old when Gaius woke me in the middle of the night telling me to come urgently to Ygraine’s chambers. When I arrived I found my best friend lying as though asleep, but cold and lifeless. Uther stood at the window staring out unseeing a look of sorrow and cold rage on his features. I felt my heart drop out of my chest as I knelt before the bed and stared at my friend. “When?” I whispered. 

“Not long.” Uther answered. “When her breathing became labored I had Gaius send for you, but…” 

In the space for a few minutes she had breathed her last and I had not been there. Unable to comfort her in her dying pain, my last betrayal of my dear friend Ygraine. Tears tracked down my face openly and I laid my head upon her hand and wept. All the while murmuring my pleas for forgiveness from one who could no longer hear. We’d said all that could be said months before, somehow knowing the end was near, but it still felt unfinished. 

In my grief I had not noticed Uther take leave of the room and I stayed there until I hadn’t a tear left to shed and returned to Arthur’s nursery, my new rooms the attached servants quarters, we had brought him in not 3 days earlier. Arthur lay sleeping peacefully in his cradle and I moved him carefully to be by my bed, needing him close to me. I stared at him until my eyes closed, heavy with sleep and sorrow.

The next day I woke early to Arthur’s cries to be fed. I cuddled him letting his warmth and softness comfort me, knowing I would need all my strength for the day ahead to plan Ygraine’s funeral. I left him in the care of another maid assigned to the purpose and headed to Gaius’s chambers first. He would be just as distraught. Gaius as a man of medicine and a man of magic had felt particularly guilty for not being able to cure Ygraine’s condition. I knew it was not his fault and we both as healers knew that it was something out of our power to control, but that didn’t make the emotions any less acute or painful. When I arrived Gaius was standing at the potions table head hung low. I came up behind him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Gaius….” I spoke, part as a question part as a comfort. 

Strangely he cringed at my touch and then turned slowly to stare at me with a pale countenance.

“Gaius, what is the matter? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost?” 

Gaius shook his head and grabbed my hand in earnest. “My dear, it is not I who is haunted, it is the King.” 

I gave him a quizzical look, “What are you talking about?” 

“I went to check on him this morning, knowing he likely hadn’t slept, he is troubled my lady so very troubled.” 

I sighed softly and patted Gaius’s cheek with my free hand, “I know my friend, the coming days will be hard on all of us.” 

He grasped my hand and pulled me to arms length staring into my eyes fiercely. “No my dear, this is not only grief, something much darker has a hold on him. I fear it doesn’t bode well for the kingdom.” 

Something had Gaius scared. I know how deeply affected Uther would be, but despite all else he was a good king. 

“What happened Gaius?”

Gaius preceded to tell me that the King was eerily calm when he went to see him at first he thought it might be sorrow, but the mood quickly changed to something more sinister and angry. He had expected Uther to throw some blame on him, but he had ranted and raved about being led astray and betrayed by those closest to him. “He’s angry at the world, but more than he’s angry at magic.” 

“Magic? Why?” 

“Because magic could not save her. Nothing could I fear this is more than grief dear, I fear this may be a sort of madness.” 

I shook my head just trying to grasp all that Gaius was telling me. “No, it can’t be.” I mutter a little unsure, but recovered my confidence quickly. “I will speak with him. I am sure he is just distraught.” As I moved to leave Gaius grabbed my arm and gave me a pleading look the terror shining in his eyes. “Please don’t my lady, I fear for you.” 

“It’s alright Gaius.” I replied with a calm I almost certainly did not feel. “All will be well.” I said trying to reassure both him and myself. 

I found Uther in the council chambers. He sat alone staring into space. I began to fear the truth in Gaius’s words. I walked up to him and he didn’t acknowledge my presence. 

“Uther…” I whispered when I came to stand beside him. I reached out a hand to touch his shoulder and he intercepted it with quick movement and suddenly his eyes were focused on mine boring into me with single minded intensity. But it wasn’t me the intensity was directed at, after a moment his grip loosened and he blinked. “Uther are you alright?” I asked in a whisper putting my hand over the one still holding my forearm. 

He shook his head and his mouth opened and closed as if he would speak. But instead he stood abruptly releasing my arm and moving around his chair. “I...am much troubled.” 

“What troubles you my King?” I asked softly. 

He gripped the chair tightly looking visibly shaken. “So many things...things beyond my power to control…” Abruptly he released the chair and stepped towards me taking my arms in his hands and pulling me close. He stared down at me the intensity back in his eyes but of a different variety. “I fear I cannot protect you, I cannot protect Arthur…” 

I pulled my arms free of his grip and reached up to hold his face as I had done so many times before… “Uther. It is alright. You protect us just fine. We are both well.” I ran my thumb along his cheek in a gesture meant to sooth. As it was I felt as if I were soothing a spooked horse. “I know you are upset about Ygraine, I am too, but everything is going to be alright.” 

“No!” He shouted pulling away. “If they can get to Ygraine they can get to you too.” 

“They…?” I questioned. I had thought I was dealing with grief and the fear of losing another loved one, but I could now see what Gaius had spoken of rising to the surface. 

“The high priestesses.” He said quietly, then like lightning the light in his eyes changed and hardened. “They think they can control me!? I am the King! I make the law, I unified this land and it is mine!” 

“Uther what are you talking about?” I was now confused and scared as well. The high priestesses were a formidable order with power unparalleled. Even my father hadn’t the power necessary to compete with them. 

“Magic.” He hissed. I gave him a quizzical look. “Magic is what has caused all this, and I will not allow myself to be controlled by it. There can be no law higher than that of the King. Camelot will come to ruin if there is no order. I see now...magic is evil.” 

“UTHER! How can you speak such blasphemy!?” I screeched out in shock and fear at the repercussions of Uther’s words. 

“It’s not blasphemy! The priestesses are using their magic to threaten me! Magic took Ygraine from me!” 

“Magic didn’t take her from you! It just couldn’t save her. Nothing could!” 

“They TRICKED ME! I will not be made a fool of! This ends NOW!” He shouted slamming his fist against the table to make his point. 

“Uther you can’t make war on the priestesses, it is suicide.” I tried to reason coming closer prepared to beg to try and reach through the madness and drag back my king. “If you do this you put Arthur in danger.” 

“I am doing this to protect him, to protect you!” 

“Uther you can’t fight a war on magic! You can’t hope to win, you’ll destroy everything you’ve worked so hard to create!” 

“I can and I will! The world will be better for it.” 

“How can you say that?! I’m magic! Arthur’s magic!....” 

He was upon me again only this time with menace in his eyes. He gripped my arms tightly, hurting me in the process I didn’t allow myself to cry out, only grimace as his voice cut hard and acerbic. “Arthur is no such thing. And both you and Gaius would do well to give up magic. If you continue to use it there will be consequences.” 

A threat, clear and palpable, his voice like the thunder chilling me to the bone, cold fear running up my spine. I had never known fear at Uther’s hands before that moment. I had none love, anger, and sorrow, but never fear. He was deadly serious. It was in that moment I realized the depth of his madness and how far he was willing to go to carry it out. He was no longer my King. It took me a moment to collect myself, taking a deep breath I nodded sharply, agreeing wordlessly to the terms Uther had set in the context of his threat. I would give up magic, if only to protect my son. “Fine Uther. But if you do this I want your solemn promise that Arthur will always be protected.” 

His grip loosened a little and he leaned down closer to my face meeting my eyes. “I swear it.” He whispered. His eyes softened minutely and he seemed to be expecting some other reaction from me, but I pulled my arms away and rubbed where he had gripped me. “Excuse me your highness I have to make arrangements for Ygraine’s burial.” I bowed falling back into my servant’s posture easily. Once out of the room I ran all the way to Arthur’s nursery. I calmed myself before going in and relieving the maid, but quickly took Arthur into my arms and held him close just smelling him. He cooed at me softly and I stared down at him only now noticing the tears in my eyes that flowed silent and quick down my cheeks. “Forgive me Arthur. I could not save him. I’m afraid your father is quite lost, but we cannot leave him...he needs us too much. But I fear even your sweet face will not be enough to bring him back from his madness….I fear...”

My words were lost as I was overcome by my sobs and could do little more than cling to Arthur as he too became visibly upset by my reaction. 

The next morning the bells of Camelot rang out sounding in a new era for Camelot, an era of blood….in what would come to be known as, the Great Purge. 

And I stood by….


End file.
